Things I Learned From Movie X: Prometheus

"How do I get out of this movie and back to Earth?"

I've been fairly vocal about how much I dislike Prometheus in the past, but try as I might to walk away, I still have much more to say on the matter, as well as on Ridley Scott's career in general. Fortunately, Things I Learned From Movie X remains the perfect venue for me to vent, and it's especially suited to a film like Prometheus, which I like so very much in some ways and dislike so very much in others.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

In the latest Things I Learned With Movie X, I consider the historical lessons to be taken away from Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, a film in which Abraham Lincoln chases down and kills the undead. Even though I sort of liked the film overall, there were some parts of it that drove me a little crazy when I was thinking about them afterwards, and if nothing else, these columns act as handy ways for me to work through my conflicting feelings about crappy films.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Snow White Edition

"How could you possibly say that my film is ridiculous?"

After a short break, Things I Learned From Movie X returns with an off-format column comparing the relative merits and demerits of 2012's duelling Snow White films: Mirror Mirror, and Snow White and The Huntsman.

Along the way, I consider the importance of having a genuinely evil queen in a Snow White film, the extent to which I refuse to believe that Armie Hammer is not a real person, and whether or not both films are guilty of exploiting pre-conceived and outdated notions of dwarfs and little people for entertainment. Enjoy!

Things I Learned From Movie X: Heaven's Gate

After maintaining a more or less exclusively modern focus for much of the history of Things I Learned From Movie X, I decided to change it up a little and instead write about a classic - well, old - film in the shape of Michael Cimino's legendary fiasco, Heaven's Gate, a film which had such grandiose ambitions, and so little control being exercised over them, that it bankrupted its studio and played a major part in ending the auteurist-driven New Hollywood era of the '60s and '70s.

This was the second time that I had seen Heaven's Gate and I have to say that I liked it a lot more than I did the first time. Don't get me wrong, I still thought it was interminably tedious and dire in so many respects, but I could better appreciate the visual beauty of the piece, the sheer scope of it (I mean, that shot at the top of the post might look passe in our "you can do anything with CGI" age, but to actually construct that town and bring all those extras in for the purpose of that one shot is nothing short of astonishing) and the all-consuming ambition that drove the production, and drove it off the rails. I'm absolutely fascinated by Heaven's Gate, and even though I don't actually like it at all, I'm glad that I rewatched it and got to experience this beautiful, frustrating film again.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Unknown

Liam expertly demonstrates the expression audiences have on their face once the film has finished.

In the latest instalment of Things I Learned From Movie X, my continued odyssey into the depths of slightly terrible movies for the purposes of comedy, I tackle the Liam Neeson vehicle Unknown, which I was hoping would prove to be ridiculous but just wound up being sort of dour and boring. Still, any film in which Liam Neeson plays a prominent botanist (or is he?) can't be entirely devoid of value, and it was kind of awesome getting to see Frank Langella and Bruno Ganz share a scene together.

Things I Learned From Movie X: The Ugly Truth

To commemorate Valentine's Day, I decided to use this edition of Things I Learned From Movie X to write about one of the most rancid, repugnant and wretched "romantic" "comedies" of recent years, The Ugly Truth, whose title is at least half-right considering that the film itself is a very ugly thing indeed. A weird mixture of traditional rom-com and crass, misogynist tract, it finds Katherine Heigl at her most icy and removed and Gerard Butler at his most boorish. Needless to say, sparks do not fly.

I wrote this column after listing to the audiobook of Christopher Hitchens' God Is Not Great pretty solidly for about a week, and I think that has had a definite impact in shaping the rhythm and tone of the piece. I'm not saying that I ripped Hitchens off, but I definitely feel that the column would have been very different had I not been immersed in his work so completely in the lead up to writing it.

Incidentally, God Is Not Great is a phenomenal book, full of wit and insight. It really made me realise just how wonderfully articulate and passionate a man Hitchens was, and made me wish that I had investigated his writing sooner. A great man, sadly missed.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Green Lantern

Mark Strong, failing to look anywhere near as ashamed as he should for appearing in this film.

For the lastest Things I Learned From Movie X, I turned my attention to one of the few genuine flops from last year, Green Lantern, in which Ryan Reynolds does his level best to use his abs to distract from the turgid mess surrounding him. In all fairness, it's a valiant effort on his part, but that doesn't stop the film from being a plodding overload of CGI that fails to make the character of Hal Jordan interesting and doesn't take advantage of his ability to create anything he can imagine.

In its defense, I did watch Green Lantern in a double-bill with Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and I have to admit that it is marginally better than Michael Bay's opus. Then again, so is having glass shoved under your eyelids, so take that hesitant endorsement with a pinch of salt.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

This new version Doctor Strangelove is really, really shitty.

For the first Things I Learned From Movie X column of 2012, I decided to mark the New Year by watching a film routinely described as the worst of 2011. Far be it for me to argue with the majority, but I have to say, I didn't think that Transformers: Dark of the Moon was that bad. I mean, it's horrible. Absolutely abysmal, in fact. A terrible cultural artifact with no redeeming qualities whatsoever which wastes some talented actors, a whole lot of money and the potentially awesome concept of giant robots punching each other by focusing on how the recession has affected Sam Witwicky. Sure, it's crass, sexist, stupid, dull and generally makes you wonder whether, if they were brought from the 19th century and made to watch it, the Lumiere brothers would have bothered to invent cinema if this is what it is going to be used for. It's all those things, but at least it's not Revenge of The Fallen. Admittedly that's the difference between first and second-degree murder, but it's an important distinction nonetheless.

Anyway, here's the column, which I would say is about 40% jokes and 60% pure, unbridled rage.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Home Alone 2: Lost In New York

I've been meaning to launch myself back into writing the Things I Learned From Movie X columns for the last few weeks, but with my new job and having to prepare for Christmas, it fell by the wayside. With the big day looming, I decided that the best way to kick off my new commitment to the feature would be with a review of a "classic" Christmas film that isn't terribly good, and I found plenty of material in the ugly and mean-spirited Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. It was equal parts fun and dispiriting to revisit the film since I loved both of the original Home Alone films as a child, so revisiting it to discover that I didn't like it at all was kind of sad. On another level, the resulting column is one of the funniest things I've written, so it all balances out.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Just Go With It

I hope they're all looking at a truck that is moments away from killing them all.

For this edition of Things I Learned From Movie X I delved into the deep end of a very shitty pool by watching Adam Sandler's most recent film, Just Go With It, which is one of the laziest and most insultingly stupid comedies he has made in a career full of lazy and insultingly stupid comedies. I hated this film so very, very much because there is almost nothing worse than a comedy film that isn't remotely funny. It's not like you can praise the cinematography or the music (certainly not in this case since the music consists almost solely of horrible, horrible mash-ups) because all a comedy film should aim to be, at its most basic possible level, is funny, and Just Go With It is resolutely not funny at all.

As is often the case, rage was transformed into humour through the alchemy of writing, and I think the resulting column is pretty good. I'm particularly pleased with the final line since I put a lot of stock in coming up with good final lines for everything I write. It doesn't have to be the best part of a review or article, but if the final line can round a piece off nicely then the whole thing feels more complete to me, and this is one of the better ones I've come up with.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Scream 4

I'm not sure how I feel about this gritty reboot of Reno 911!

After a few weeks away, caused by a mixture of holiday and a really busy period at work, Things I Learned With Movie X returns with a column about Scream 4, the long-delayed fourth film in a franchise that started out as a sly commentary about the nature of standard horror films but which mutated along the way to being a slightly smarter version of the films that it is meant to mock.

I'm pretty pleased with this edition of the column since I think I managed a nice balance between making fun of the problems of the film and actually critiquing its flaws. I also really liked the Sesevenen joke because it's pretty silly, even though I'm sure someone else has probably made it some time in the last 16 years. Also, following on from the Dawn of the Dead column, it is the second time I've worked a Se7en reference into one of these, so maybe the key to maintaining maximum comedic velocity is to keep talking about that absolutely hilarious film.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Colombiana

It's sad that her hotness is directly disproportionate to the quality of the films she chooses to appear in.

Earlier in the week, I was lucky enough to get tickets (through Show Film First) to a preview screening of Colombiana, which has already opened in the States but doesn't until the 9th of September in Britain. As someone who likes a lot of the silly trash that Luc Besson puts out, I was disappointed by how mediocre the film was. It never rises above its own ridiculousness to become actually fun, so despite being a film about a very attractive woman killing bad guys, it winds up being incredibly dull.

On the plus side, I got a really funny article out of it.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Sucker Punch

The established formula with the Things I Learned From Movie X columns has long been that the worse the movie is, the more fun the column is to write, because it allows me to work out my aggressive dislike of the movie through writing about it. The upshot of this is that I wind up developing a somewhat perverse affection for the films, because I think of them as the inspiration for a funny column, rather than as the bilge and detritus that they are. This has rarely been truer than in the case of Sucker Punch, a terrible, terrible movie that is as crazy as it is dull. I hated the film, thought it was absolutely dreadful, but I look on it more kindly than Due Date, which I watched the day after I watched Sucker Punch, which was merely boring and disappointing, and therefore didn't warrant being beaten with words.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Captain America

As is often the case, I try to get the most I can out of any viewing experience as possible, which roughly translated means that I try to squeeze as many articles out of a film as I can. In that spirit, here is my latest Things I Learned From Movie X article about Captain America, and film which I enjoyed plenty, but since the remit of the column is to write about the fun and ridiculous apects of films, regardless of whether the film is good or not, I couldn't avoid gently mocking it.

It also went live on my twenty-fifth birthday, which was a neat little bonus.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Drive Angry

In the latest Things I Learned From Movie X column, I tackle the Nic Cage-Amber Heard vehicle Drive Angry, which I enjoyed despite not being too fond of the recent trend of faux-exploitation cinema that has sprung up in the wake of Grindhouse. I'd put this almost solely down to William Fichtner, who is a really terrific actor who gets the opportunity to be pretty big and crazy here, but in a way that is offbeat and interesting. I'd have probably been bored by a lot of the film if it wasn't for the moments of lunacy that he brings to proceedings.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole

A truly mindbogglingly strange and terrible film this time around, as I sink my teeth into the meaty morsel that is Zack Snyder's foray into family entertainment, Legend of the Guardians: The Owls and Ga'Hoole.

Horribly misconceived on more or less every level, Legend of the Guardians is one of those films that is so relentlessly odd that it becomes entertaining because of its failings, rather than despite them. Plot, character development, world-building, all of them are pretty much missing or used in entirely the wrong way, as best illustrated by the character of Klubb (Ryan Kwanten), a young owl who more or less decides that he wants to join the genocidal owls that are the film's villains because they believe in him. It's pretty spectacularly dumb, but in a way which is fascinating. It's like watching a movie that's been written by someone who has suffered blunt cranial trauma.

On the plus side, it's very pretty. If you want to see photo-realistic owls fight in slow-motion, then you really can't go wrong. Also, you're a fucking freak.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

First off, sorry for all those colons in the title. Only proctologists should see so many colons in such quick succession, and even though they are something of a necessity, they are a bit of an eyesore.

Now, in thise edition of Things I Learned From Movie X, I try to mine some precious knowledge from Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, in which renowned Middle Eastern actor Jake Gyllenhaal plays the role of a filthy urchin who grows up to be a violent murderer, but who is also a prince so it's all gravy.

The best of these columns, in general, tend to come from films that are overblown, stupid yet kind of boring. Prince of Persia fulfills all three criteria, and is one of those glorious examples of people throwing a ton of money at the screen to scant reward, either artistically or commercially.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Doom

Here's the latest Things I Learned From Movie X on Doom. Yes, Doom. I've had this on DVD for quite literally years but never got around to watching it because, well, it's Doom. Why rush? It'll still be a poorly-reviewed attempt to take a game which didn't have the strongest plot and turn it into an action movie franchise whether I watched it the day I bought it or 4 years in the future.

But I'm sorting out my DVD collection at the moment and I just can't bring myself to get rid of a DVD I haven't watched, so finally giving it a shot served double duty as both fodder for a column and a way to clear shelf space. I think this may be the most good that Doom has ever done for anyone in the world, ever.

(In case you can't tell: I think the movie is kind of really shit.)

Things I Learned From Movie X: Torque

Here's the link to my latest Things I Learned From Movie X column at boxofficeprophets.com, in which I offer up some thoughts on Torque, a barely remembered attempt to do for illegal motor bike racing what The Fast and The Furious did for illegal car racing.

I've been hearing about Torque for ages, mainly from the guys on the Battleship Pretension podcast, who have repeatedly mentioned it as a particularly awesome terrible film. They are not wrong. It's about as stupid a film as I have ever seen and I loved every minute of it.

If you have LoveFilm, it's available to stream for free and is well worth the investment of 82 paltry minutes as long as you are willing to embrace how thoroughly stupid it is.

Things I Learned From Movie X: Jonah Hex

Here's the link to my latest Things I Learned From Movie X column for boxofficeprophets.com on Jonah Hex, the woefully misguided and terrible adaptation of the cult comic book. And it is pretty damn terrible. Really boring, poorly written and edited in such a haphazard way that I defy anyone to watch it and not sit in a state of bafflement throughout.

Like the rest of these columns, this one came together very quickly - it took about two hours of free associative writing all told, with a few extra hours fine tuning it - and I enjoyed experimenting with a heavily ironic tone. Treating it as if it is high art is much funnier to me than just trying to tear it to pieces, which I find a little wearying and can make the resulting columns feel more bitter than funny. Not the case here, thankfully.